A Wall Where A Door Used To Be...

I'm not usually given to metaphors... They are useful, but so much can be misunderstood from those types of descriptions.

So, I have a wall where a door used to be. Emotionally, I think. For roughly the last 24 months, my heart has been in a pattern of shifting. I've had trouble keeping connections that are years old. I know this may sound weird, but I really believe that God has grown me a lot during this time. Many of my old relationships and responsibilities were based unhealthily on what other people thought of what I did or what they thought I was like. As I worked on figuring out how to be a healthier person, I realized that I had a lot of doormat in me. A LOT.

Finally, I reached a point whereby I began to make my own decisions based on what I thought and what would be best for both me and my family. That created a sea change the likes of which hadn't occurred before in my life. I realized that I had value, I could think for myself, and was free to make mistakes. I'm thankful for that. Some people go their entire lives without that realization and empowerment.

On Friday, we are going to bury one of my favorite people ever; my Great-Grandma Husband (my dad's grandma). She and I always connected. During my surly teen years, she would seek me out at family events and tell me stories that made me admire her: She sang on WLS in the hey day of the 20's and early 30's. She buried 3 husbands and still had men 10 years younger than her trying to get her to marry them while at the old folk's home. Her dad was a traveling Pastor. At 103, last night, she breathed her last here on earth and saw her Savior with eyes that hadn't seen in years.

I'm proud to be her grandson, for sure. I'm more proud to be like her now. More independently minded, interdependently grounded, and dependent totally on God and his gospel. I think that Grandma Husband would be glad she gave me that gift more than just about anything.

Life is crazy. In "Parenthood", the movie, the grandma tells her stressed grandson and granddaughter-in-law that she went to the fair on a date. She rode two rides: the merry-go-round and the roller coaster. The merry-go-round was safe, but not much fun. The roller coaster was scary and unsafe, but so much more fun. She said she would rather have the roller coaster than be safe.

So would I. Time to find that new door.